I’m not going to lie, I don’t research the opposition before our matches. I do get excited to play for the 2nd string of gold and green warriors week in week out. So when I saw the squad named was strong enough to leave a few greats on the bench, including perennial 2s MOTM Shin Ando… I knew it was going to be good game. Alas, some excitement went out the window when I got to the end of Nick Tewson’s Whatsapp spiel and realised the oppo had heard of Shin’s prowess at fullback and withdrawn for the day. A friendly against Hackney 4ths would have to do.

Surprisingly mild weather welcomed us back to Fortress Downhills. The last time we played here, the showers didn’t work, I was a starter for the 1s and [insert Brexit deal uncertainty joke here]. Now, the showers are hot, I’m writing the 2s match report with a smile on my face and regardless what joke you insert up there we all agree that if the border had closed already, Armel Baufume wouldn’t be playing for Hitchin and the 1s might’ve won.

Given the depth of our squad seemed more suited for storming the pass of Thermopylae than playing a rugby friendly, we might be forgiven for trying to start the game with an extra man on the field. Sadly, the eagle eyed referee caught us before blowing the starting whistle and off went Vincent Hiribarren, Pirinoak wrath saved for later.

Despite Nick’s best efforts at confusing us all with a ‘split’ kick-off, swift wing Matthew Booth caught onto the play early and was first to the ball. We advanced with a quick blue ball to Alex Cotton saw him drive his opposite number back five metres - can confirm, this man doesn’t skip leg day. CHRISTMAAAAAAAS called the wing and a flash off the following ruck saw the day’s first string of silky passing. 9 to 10, 10 to 12, 12 to 13, 13 to 15. The Fins runners encountered little resistance and swiftly arrived at the try line. However, in the spirit of Christmas –both the call and the season- Victor Sanchez Tarre decided to fuck stats, fix his opposite number and practically on the try line, off-load to the winger. You’re most welcome Toby Birkett and Feliz Navidad. 7-0.

The early try led to general merriment and maybe a twidge of overconfidence. Increased Fins indiscipline saw Hackney reach our in-goal where they were awarded a scrum. Luckily our ever attentive captain –after being screamed at by several backs- told the ref the scrum should be set on the 5m line rather than under our posts. Some strong tackling in hard mismatches highlighted Park’s tenacity, with outside centre Bertrand Debeuf overturned Hackney’s barbaric hooker on the line.

Back up to half way the forwards did something well, I think it’s called a line-out... anyway, Nick to James Pattison, Pattison to John Portsmouth, Portsmouth dots under the posts. 14-0. Champagne rugby.

Whilst Nick and Pattison were busy playing their best rugby, the 2s were commandeered by a highly distinguished guest, Pauly ‘communications’ Baker. Barking orders around the park, Paul Baker transformed the ruefully unstructured 2nd XV into a force to be reckoned with. The forwards formed into an unyielding phalanx that on occasion dropped the ball avant, but otherwise provided a secure platform. Meanwhile he managed to convince the backs to run at the ball from depth, almost succeeding at preventing us from incurring 654351684135 off-sides/forward passes – alas there are still some things out of the grasp of our Irish stalwart and his immortal hunger to win.

37 minutes into the half saw the late arrival of our right prop Joseph Heekin, rightly nicknamed Shrek. Poor Pablo Tomasi had to endure 37 minutes of uncontested scrums trapped in the front row, jealous of the mobility displayed by the likes of Graham Rutherford and Alexander Cotton in the back row. Our dominant front row relished contested scrums almost as much as the promise of coming off after 50 minutes. Even though by now Stephen Morse et al. should know that his promise is rarely fulfilled in the 2s. Dominating the static, the fins forwards started winning even more ball for the backs to convert into points as we reached the half time interval.

14-0 up at the break, it was time for fresh legs to enter the fray. 7 replacements didn’t see the quality of the team diminished in the slightest. Most of the back line was replaced by the fantastic four, each a tackle machine in their own right: Tom Shirt, Richard Sheridan, Shin Ando and Ross Wilson. The forwards supplemented with Will [The] Monk and Vincent. Last but not least fast man John Startin soon picked up the ball in open play and raced from the half-way line towards the top left corner of the field. Typically, this would be the end of the account as I’ve never seen someone catch Startin once he gets to full pace. It was clear something was wrong as the defensive cover reached him and tackled as he dotted down over the line. 21-0. 5 minutes into the second half, a try under his belt, Startin decided that was enough Rugby for him. Whether something was actually wrong with him or he just wanted a breather is up for discussion.

A few more concentration lapses (and definitely not the referee intervening every 30s) prevented the score from reaching astronomical figures worthy of when the ones were trapped in the Merit tables. Replacement back rower Richard Jameson came on for the veteran Baker who proceeded to provide his invaluable advice from the side-line for the rest of the game.

Shin Perennial-MOTM Ando caught a high ball within his own 22 and called mark! His unremarkable kick from where he caught the ball –I looked the law up to confirm, yes- serves as introduction to the highlight of Shrek’s contributions to the game. His gigantic efforts in the scrum were shadowed by his kicking desires. Picking up the ball in the middle of the pitch, Shrek promptly avoided running up into contact. Instead, he attempted to kick for touch, slipped on a remarkably dry patch of the field and managed to get the ball a comical 2 metres in front of him. See his full name below, near, but not next to, ‘MOTD’…

A few phases later, I was chatting to the Hackney photographer (note to committee: 4th XV brings a photographer to a friendly… we’re clearly doing something wrong at FPRFC…) to make sure he’d got some good shots of me when I heard exalted cries “Run, Salva, Run!”. As described later that evening by a fellow on-looker, Salvador Peya was “barrelling at walking pace” deep in the Hackney 22, chasing dreams of scoring and Catalan independence. Having beat the last defender and with only one chaser on his tail he looked like one of those NZ U18s props that have legs, if not pace, for days. However, sharing my early merriment for the season of giving, Salva looked for the off-load! He had to look back several times, as support in the form of Tewson took a while to catch-up. The rickety race came to an end with a successful off-load and Nick under the posts. Bon Nadal Nick Tewson. 28-0.

I find this an opportune time to highlight the fact that Nick played practically the full 80, slotted his 4 conversion attempts AND didn’t get injured… was it really him ? TBC.

Tom Shirt picked and went straight to the try line from a ruck two metres out scoring the last try of the day under the posts. By that point Startin’s rugby appetite had returned and he proceeded to drop kick the conversion. 35-0. The game ended a few unremarkable minutes later with the infamous Shrek dropping the ball forward.

You might think that I’ve failed at the challenge of mentioning all 24 players in this report however the only missing ones are the locks Aaron Carter and Robert Simpson. The dark arts of the second row should not be written about or to quote last week’s 1s report “The mark of a good lock you might say, just gets it done…”.

MOTM - For his out of character / excellent form – Captain Nick Tewson (to clarify, his competitive conversion rate is 40% this season).
DOTD – Read above – Joseph ‘Shrek’ Heekin